Bitterness

"Don't... please..." Kevin whispered in a slightly hoarse voice. Shangguan Han heard the words through the haze.

His hand, which had been wiping sweat from Kevin's brow, froze. He had just said "don't"? Was it the burden of what happened that night weighing on his mind? Or was it because of last night? Or perhaps these were his true feelings?

A sense of indescribable loss welled up inside him, so profound that he failed to hear what Kevin said next. He only saw tears streaming uncontrollably from the corners of Kevin's eyes, while Kevin continued to mumble, "Please don't leave! Don't!"

But Shangguan Han, lost in his own distraction, heard none of it. He only caught those fragmented words from earlier, leaving him with the painful conviction that Kevin loathed him. He was completely oblivious to the fact that, in Kevin’s heart, he was the most indispensable lover.

"Lover" is a beautiful word, yet when one cannot obtain the love of the person they cherish, it becomes a different kind of agony—a pain akin to being pierced by ten thousand arrows. This is why so many fear to love, fearing that such sincerity will only be met with endless hurt.

Countless waves of despair crashed against Shangguan Han’s heart, leaving him at a loss for what to do. The bitterness in his heart spread to his lips, making everything feel wretched—like coffee, no matter how much sugar is added, it remains bitter.

He thought this must be what Kevin truly felt. Kevin had not forgiven him. Perhaps Kevin himself didn't even realize he was murmuring these things in his sleep. Was he, Shangguan Han, meant to leave?

Suppressing the bitterness and heartache, he tried to hypnotize himself into believing that helping Kevin recover was the only thing that mattered. Nothing was more important than his health. Yet, seeing the tears on Kevin's face, he still couldn't help but feel disappointed.

His heart was filled with extreme sorrow. Was this his ultimate fate? To be abandoned by everyone? Was it true that anyone who treated him well would never have a good ending? He gently wiped the tears from Kevin's face.

Shangguan Han wanted to hold Kevin, but his outstretched hand eventually retreated in pain. He stood up and fled, heading to the kitchen and closing the door. Leaning against the wall with his eyes tightly shut, he struggled to regulate the intense negative emotions within him.

It had always been this way since he was a child. No matter how great the hardship or how deep the grievance, he had always hidden in a corner alone, just as he was doing now, quietly nursing his sorrow in a place where no one could see him.

He had never thought to confide in anyone; he only knew he needed to become stronger. As a child, he never watched cartoons or played games. His only companions were loneliness and an endless pile of documents he could never finish reading.

Unknowingly, he had forged an armor of invulnerability. He knew many at school called him a demon, a creature sent to bewitch the world, and claimed that anyone who got close to him would be devoured.

Back then, hearing those things caused an indescribable sadness in his heart, yet he never spoke up to refute them—perhaps because they were right. Anyone who came near him never had a good ending.

But one time, he saw Kevin getting into a fight with other boys in class. Only later did he realize that Kevin had fought them for his sake. *Heh.*

By then, he was already numb. Rumors couldn't hurt him anymore. Even though he was handsome and excelled in his studies, no one liked him.

Some said he was an unwanted child; others claimed he was picked up by his parents. Sometimes, he felt that way too. Once, he even asked his mother, who smiled and told him he was truly her and his father's child.

As for why his eyes were different, it was simply a hereditary trait from her family. But the kids in class called his eyes the mark of a monster, and when Kevin heard them, he argued with them, eventually leading to a physical brawl.

That was his first friend, and his only friend. Truth be told, when he realized Kevin had fought those classmates for him, an inexplicable emotion stirred within him.

Because of Kevin, no one in the class dared to speak ill of him anymore—at least not in the classroom. Whether they did elsewhere, he didn't know. After calming himself for a long while, Shangguan Han suddenly remembered he still had water boiling on the stove.

And the porridge! He rushed to lift the lid and nearly burned himself, almost dropping it in his haste. Fortunately, the food wasn't ruined, and the water had boiled.

He turned off the power, poured the water into a cup, and dumped the rest into a basin. Only then did he calmly carry the basin out of the kitchen. In truth, he had forgotten that the bathroom had hot water—there was no need to boil it at all! He had wasted his energy without even realizing it. But that is a story for another time.

When he returned to the room, Kevin was awake, lying in bed, staring blankly at nothing. Upon seeing Shangguan Han, a clear look of joy appeared in his eyes. Shangguan Han noticed this expression and faltered.

Wasn't he supposed to hate him? Was all of this just a facade? He could no longer distinguish what were Kevin’s true thoughts and had to let things be.

Kevin sat up in bed, feeling that Shangguan Han was acting strange today. They seemed to have returned to the way they were when they first met.

He remembered back in kindergarten, many children were crying because their parents had left. Kevin had long been accustomed to his parents' absence; in fact, he hadn't lived with them since he was small.

He lived with his grandparents, who doted on him. Although his parents were away for most of the year, they visited whenever they had a chance. So, his relationship with them remained good. But when he saw Shangguan Han, he felt something indescribable. Back then, Shangguan Han was always surrounded by a cold air, as if separated from the rest of the world.

He would always sit alone at his desk, looking at a mountain of things Kevin couldn't understand. Once, Kevin intentionally snatched his things, trying to force him to acknowledge his existence.

Shangguan Han finally looked at him! But the gaze was terrifying—like a leopard staring at its chosen prey. It was chilling.

But Kevin was not easily deterred! Having been spoiled by his grandparents, though he pouted and returned the documents, he still defiantly added, "Hmph! It's just a broken notebook. Big deal!"

Then he left Shangguan Han to play with the other children. What he didn't know was that as he walked away, a look of loneliness had crossed Shangguan Han’s face.

If he had known, perhaps he would have stayed to play with him. During gym class, all the children played in groups, but Kevin found himself constantly watching Shangguan Han.

No matter where he went, Shangguan Han was inseparable from that pile of papers. Kevin couldn't understand him. He would watch from afar as Shangguan Han sat alone, far from the crowd, reading his documents.

Sometimes Kevin felt dissatisfied, and despite telling himself he would never pay attention to Shangguan Han again, his eyes would always uncontrollably drift back to where Shangguan Han sat.

Perhaps it was the stubbornness of a child; he wanted Shangguan Han to play with him. He didn't want to see him sitting so far away, nor did he want to see that look of aloof pride.

So, Kevin left the other children and walked over to Shangguan Han. Having learned his lesson, he was well-behaved this time. He sat quietly beside him. When he approached, Shangguan Han gave him a pitying glance before ignoring him completely once more.

Yet, what Shangguan Han didn't expect was that Kevin didn't bother him as he had before; he simply sat by his side, watching him.

Shangguan Han was very handsome—among children of his age, few could match his features. As Kevin watched him intently reading documents he couldn't comprehend, he thought Shangguan Han was truly brilliant.

And so, they spent almost every day together, with Kevin watching Shangguan Han in a daze. Day after day, Shangguan Han gradually grew accustomed to having someone sitting beside him, lost in thought.

They continued this way for an entire semester. Summer vacation arrived, and all the children were picked up by their parents.

When Kevin left with his grandparents, he saw from a distance that someone had come to pick up Shangguan Han, too. But Shangguan Han’s reaction seemed indifferent. It was only later that Kevin learned Shangguan Han’s parents had never come to pick him up themselves.

It was always the household servants. For three years of kindergarten, his parents had never come even once. Gradually, the other children began to distance themselves from him, and everyone began to forget Shangguan Han existed.

Even though they lived in the same place, there was a sense that they occupied two different worlds. Sometimes, sitting beside him, Kevin would feel that Shangguan Han was very far away.

He wanted to be his friend. He wanted to pull him out of that gray, dim world. He wanted to show him that the world was still beautiful, and he longed to see a smile bloom on his face from true happiness.

But all of that seemed so far off. They had nothing to say to each other, and they never really interacted. They were like two strangers. Even so, Kevin would still feel happy whenever Shangguan Han gave him an inadvertent glance.

Every time they changed seats, Kevin would take the initiative to sit next to Shangguan Han. Slowly, the time came to leave kindergarten and start elementary school. During that summer vacation, Kevin would sit alone by the window.

Midsummer was always like that; sometimes a breeze could make one feel at ease. Yet, every time Kevin thought about being separated from Shangguan Han, he felt miserable. He hadn't even become his friend yet!

How could he just leave? He sat sadly by the window, losing interest even in his favorite cartoons. His grandparents, seeing him like this, couldn't help but worry.

They tried every method to cheer up their beloved grandson, but he seemed to have lost interest in everything. It worried them deeply. Another school season arrived, and Kevin went to school, reluctant and heavy-hearted. In that school, there was no Shangguan Han.