Wild Thoughts

Except for that night when the country fell, I had never felt the wind so painfully cold against my skin as I did tonight. It tangled my hair, swept it across my eyes, messed my clothes—it was so cold.
I pressed my skirt down against the wind and could only wrap my arms around myself.
"Mu Fan… Mu Fan… I…" Yun Heng's voice grew closer; he must have caught up.
"Don't come any closer." I stopped walking, and he must have stopped as well.
"Don't come any closer. Let me go. I'm just a maid. Night has fallen and it's cold. General, please return." My voice trembled, perhaps choked with emotion. No matter how the wind tossed my hair and clothes, I lifted my feet and walked forward.
With a sharp crack, I realized a small jade hairpin had fallen from my head and broken in two.
Just like the bond between Yun Heng and me—shattered, each of us to live out our days separately.
I did not look back at the broken hairpin. I stepped over it, feigning a carefree departure.
I told myself it was nothing more than a cheap trinket I bought recently, worth little. Just as Yun Heng was only a general, someone I, Huangfu Ziyun, could never care for.
There would be other hairpins, other men—like my dear younger brother Huangfu Zijun. Though young, he was still a man, after all.
When I returned to my own room, I hurried to lock the door.
I truly didn't understand how my brother once endured my wild flights of imagination. No wonder he always said it would be better to get some sleep than waste time on idle thoughts.
I collapsed onto the bed, carelessly stripping off my outer garment, burrowing into the blankets.
Every image that flashed through my mind was of Yun Heng, from the moment I first met him.
"From now on, stay close to me. Don't run off again. Next time, who knows if you'd make it back alive."
"Mu Fan… You are so beautiful…"
"Such beauty; how can a gentleman not seek her hand…"
"Mu Fan, when you're older, will you marry me?"
His voice, gentle and refined, stirred countless tender feelings in me, unsettling my heart. Now, recalling it all, the pain is unbearable.
To keep myself from thinking of Yun Heng, I forced myself to think of someone else. I thought of Li Yexuan and sighed. When he was kind to me, I felt uneasy. Now that I know I was just a substitute, I suppose it doesn't matter, but why do I feel a little lost? Still, it's better not to be entangled with Li Yexuan. The pain of a lost country—I can never forgive those in power who, for their own selfish gain, brought ruin to my Huangfu family.
At last, I tried to think of my younger brother. That little face, tearful at our parting, was the only warmth I could feel as I slowly drifted off to sleep… Yun Heng never spoke his heart, Li Yexuan saw me as a replacement, and Wan Chun merely used me. How ironic, that I have fared so poorly—am I truly just a hothouse flower unable to survive the world outside?
Since becoming Mu Fan, I have only grown familiar with three people: Yun Heng, Li Yexuan, and Wan Chun. Each once saved me from peril, but none were truly sincere.
If I put myself in their place, I might treat me the same way. One must do what is expected of them. I only wish to live well. If you save me, I am deeply grateful; but should you seek to harm me, I will not be gentle.
I refuse to be a fish or lamb, waiting passively for slaughter.