035 No Ifs

"Is it tasty?" Li Yexuan suddenly asked me.

"Hmm?" It was only then that I realized he was asking about the chestnuts in my hand.

He kept watching me eat, as if looking at someone through me. His gaze gave me a sense of longing, a yearning that spanned a long, long time.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Could it be I had chestnut stuck at the corner of my mouth? I wiped it away hastily. The first time I’d met Yun Heng at the General’s Manor, I’d been just as flustered.

Thinking of Yun Heng, my heart gave a jolt. I wondered if Li Yexuan had noticed.

But he probably hadn’t. Seeing my expression, he couldn’t help but laugh, even covering his mouth with his hand.

Embarrassed, I clutched the chestnut tightly.

"Are you really that greedy?"

"To eat well is a blessing."

"What are you doing wandering aimlessly on the street?"

"…Well… I just came out for a walk." I couldn’t admit I’d left in a fit of pique.

"Weren’t you going to buy an umbrella?"

"…"

Well, that was it. I’d forgotten the lie I’d just told and couldn’t cover it up now—but fortunately, he didn’t press the issue.

"You remind me of someone," he said, turning his gaze away from me to stare emptily into the distance.

"Who?" The question slipped out, and I immediately regretted it. Seeing Li Yexuan’s expression, I knew that person was no longer at his side; otherwise, why would he look through me to remember her? Pitifully, I was only a substitute. All of Li Yexuan’s kindness to me was because I resembled the one he pined for. I felt a sudden sense of loss, but still, from the bottom of my heart, I was grateful to him.

"She also loved chestnuts, just as you do."

"Then where is she now? Why don’t you bring her some chestnuts?" I peeled one and handed it to Li Yexuan, who took it and ate it.

"I don’t know where she is, or even if she’s still alive."

"Did you see her body? Did you see her grave?"

My words made his face darken; he must have regretted buying me chestnuts.

"No."

"Then she must still be alive."

"How can you be so sure?" Li Yexuan seemed to find hope in my eyes.

I leisurely ate another chestnut, speaking slowly, "If she knew you were still thinking of her, how could she bear to just die like that? Unless there’s a body, you must believe she’s somewhere in this world, waiting for you."

In truth, I had no way of knowing if the person Li Yexuan missed was alive or not. I only knew that if I could give him hope, I would do my best. Just as, when I struggled at the edge of life and death, both Yun Heng and Li Yexuan had given me hope.

"Thank you, Mufan."

I smiled, shook the chestnuts in my hand, and cheekily made a funny face.

Li Yexuan was amused again, though his good breeding kept him from laughing out loud.

I didn’t let my sadness show in front of him; instead, I made him smile. If tears must fall, then let us laugh together and drive them away, shall we?

I declined Li Yexuan’s offer to escort me, insisting on returning alone to the General’s Manor.

From now on, I wouldn’t pester Li Yexuan to buy me chestnuts again. That was someone else’s special treat—I shouldn’t take it for myself. But that’s all right; I’d just ask my little brother to make them for me in the future. Even if he wasn’t good at it now, he’d eventually learn.

Just because I didn’t want to face it didn’t mean I could avoid going back. Since I was only a substitute in Li Yexuan’s eyes, I should be content, and know my place.

Along the way, I wanted to find a place to cry. Late spring, Yun Heng, and Li Yexuan—all people I’d met after becoming a hidden princess of a ruined kingdom. I couldn’t say I resented them; rather, I felt grateful. But perhaps I’d never truly be able to open my heart to any of them.

My thoughts were childish, though I didn’t realize it.

Late Spring must be hiding in her room, nursing her sorrows. I didn’t want to visit and make myself sad as well. As for Yun Heng, he had Concubine Qiao now. Besides, most days I was far away from him, not serving at his side—he probably didn’t mind my absence.

Only in moments of disappointment did I realize I had nowhere to go. In the entire kingdom of Yuehua, there were few places I truly knew.

So once again, I found myself by the fish pond.

I stood there until night fell.

The moon hung high, the late breeze brought a chill, and I hugged myself, staring foolishly at the fish.

Suddenly, a pair of hands embraced me from behind. I tried to break free, but then I heard a voice: "Don’t move."

It was Yun Heng. He should have been in Concubine Qiao’s chambers. Why was he here?

"General, please let go of your maidservant."

Perhaps the words "General" and "maidservant" stunned him for a moment. I broke free from his arms, stepped back, and bowed.

"Greetings, General."

"Mufan."

He tried to pull me into his arms again, but I evaded him.

"Rise."

Tonight, he was different—not dressed in his usual white, but in black robes. I hadn’t expected black to suit him so well.

"General, what brings you here so late?"

"Mufan, don’t be like this." His hands gripped my shoulders, forcing me to meet his gaze.

"General, you’re hurting me…" I spoke softly, and only then did he let me go.

"Mufan, I…"

He hesitated, wanting to speak, but I interrupted him.

"Please, General, say no more." I took a deep breath. "There’s no need. I can guess what you want to say. I’ll pretend nothing ever happened. You have important matters to attend to; I am just a lowly maidservant. It doesn’t matter. You are a great minister of Yuehua. I only ask that you don’t push me into the storm’s eye—I couldn’t withstand it. I just wish to live quietly, fulfilling my duties as a maid. Please, don’t disrupt my life."

"I understand…"

Before he could finish, I turned and walked away, not wanting him to see my tears.

Yun Heng, you probably don’t know—if I weren’t Huangfu Ziyun, I would have wished to follow you, even as a humble concubine. To win your heart for a moment would be enough. Competing with countless women? I’d have dared to try, even if I hated it most.

But alas, there are no ifs in life.

I didn’t look back to see if Yun Heng was still standing there. I forced myself to walk quickly away.

In that moment, I knew—Yun Heng, I am destined to leave you behind…