Chapter 32: Caught in the Act

In the end, I never learned what Yun Heng and Li Yexuan discussed that day. It was most likely some matter concerning the imperial court, and I had no interest in asking. I once imagined that staying by Yun Heng’s side would grant me insights into the affairs of Lingyun Kingdom, but that was mere wishful thinking. I had learned nothing; indeed, I came to believe that my days spent with Yun Heng were nothing but a waste of my precious time.

Yet life carried on as usual, with a sense of drifting through each day, neither knowing if it was from a sense of security or simply a lack of ambition. I had become nothing more than a maid—how could I not see that my status had diminished?

Another breezy morning dawned, cool and gentle, with the promise of good sunlight later. It was hard to imagine that a storm might roll in. Half yawning, I followed Wan Chun, who carried a basin, and as always, we went to Yun Heng’s chambers to tidy up. He would surely have gone off to practice swordsmanship, as he did every day. We were both accustomed to this routine.

Wan Chun pushed open the door to Yun Heng’s room and went inside, and I followed at a leisurely pace. Because I walked slowly, I heard a sudden crash from within, and then Wan Chun burst out, brushing past me so quickly that I had no time to catch her.

Could Yun Heng have met with some accident? I hurried inside, and in that instant, my mind conjured the most absurd possibility: an assassin, perhaps, and Wan Chun had been frightened by the sight of Yun Heng bleeding. After all, she was just a little maid.

But when I stepped inside and saw the scene upon the bed, I was stunned.

Two pale bodies entwined, the blankets rumpled and raised; it was obvious what had occurred. The woman on the bed let out a shrill scream, and the man opened his eyes—it was Yun Heng, the same eyes fixed on me, but now tinged with guilt.

The woman, too, turned and saw me, quickly pulling up the covers. That frightened little face belonged to none other than Qiao Ruoqing. She looked at me as if I were the shameless one, spying on them. When it came to shamelessness, I knew I could never rival Qiao Ruoqing, yet such a thing cannot happen with only one party at fault. Yun Heng was clearly no better.

I numbly turned and walked out. Strangely, what came to mind was this: Yun Heng, what if Qiao Ruoqing ends up pregnant—what would you do? There might be issues with their lineage. I wondered if I should warn him, but then decided against it.

As I stepped out of the room, I could still hear Qiao Ruoqing sobbing inside, and Yun Heng’s low voice offering comfort.

Walking aimlessly, I soon found myself by the fish pond. I sat quietly and watched the fish swim to and fro. Suddenly, I no longer wished to feed them; after all, not every fish could be fed, and there would always be competition.

I remembered the night when my country fell. Yun Heng had rescued me, given me hope to live, taken me in, indulged me, and even told me to follow him, to marry him.

He made me lose myself. In that moment, I told myself: he is just a man. It is permissible to grieve, but not to be humble. Be the old Huangfu Ziyun once more.

I wiped away my tears. My heart ached, but I forced myself to bear it. Once it passed, it would be fine. I resolved to reclaim the feelings I had given too freely. How could Huangfu Ziyun ever consent to be the lesser one?

Thinking such thoughts, I felt much better. I took out a handkerchief and carefully wiped my face. Thankfully, I rarely wore makeup, so there was no worry of it being ruined by tears.

My younger brother always said that I could bear the weight of the sky if it fell. I never knew if he meant it as praise or insult. Yet whenever I thought of him, I felt a sense of hope and a reason to live well in this unfamiliar world.