154 Emotional Knot

Nestled against the mountains and rivers, the small town’s secluded courtyard instantly relaxed my burdened heart. I walked up to a mountain waterfall, where the cascading water rushed past right before my eyes. Reaching out, I pierced through the veil of water, the chill seeping straight through my fingertips. It felt much like my heart at this very moment—fading away quietly, incapable of stirring up even the slightest ripple. Pushing my hand deeper into the current, I leaned my body slightly forward.

"Zijun, don't..." Li Yexuan's voice came from behind. He yanked me backward, pulling me into his embrace and dragging me two steps away.

"Don't... don't jump..." Li Yexuan hugged me tightly. "Qingyu has already uncovered so much. I will find a way to keep you alive. Don't give up, don't leave me behind, don't jump..."

"You're overthinking it. I was just admiring the water, I had no intention of jumping..." From Li Yexuan's eyes, I saw stark terror, and alongside it, profound grief. Did I really look like the kind of person who would throw herself off a mountain or into a river on a whim?! I couldn't entirely blame him for failing to understand me; I knew he was simply terrified. Breaking free from his embrace, I glanced at him and walked back without uttering a single word.

For him to treat me this way was my lifelong wish and expectation, but now, everything had changed. Li Yexuan, I am afraid I am destined to be unworthy of this deep affection of yours. Since we are bound to let go in the end, why prolong this painful entanglement? I hoped to depart with grace and ease, unwilling to cling desperately before death, nor would I make any promises on the netherworld road to wait for him. Once a person dies, everything reaches a complete and final period. Separated by the realms of the living and the dead, it simply means we were never meant to be.

Li Yexuan hurried after me, pulling me back into his arms.

Dongfang Qingyu had been thoroughly surveying the area, while Zijun and Kong Yuelin rushed off to assist him, leaving Li Yexuan in charge of looking after me. In the blink of an eye, a day passed, yet there was still no news.

When night fell, I wandered out to the courtyard's outer chamber, an indescribable emotion rendering me completely speechless.

"Why aren't you inside resting?" Li Yexuan draped a garment over my shoulders.

"Mm, I can't sleep."

"Why do you look so unhappy?"

"I don't know why, but I always feel this place is filled with sorrow, bringing a sudden urge to weep."

"Let's go back." Li Yexuan took my hand and led me inside.

When it was time to sleep, I lay on the inner side of the bed, pressed tightly against the wall. As the candles in the room were extinguished, Li Yexuan climbed into bed and pulled me into his arms. He rolled me over so that half my body rested on top of his. Just as I made a move to shift, he caught my hand.

"Don't move, let me hold you."

I stayed still, my hand guided by his to rest right over his heart.

"Can you feel it? My heart is right here. Zijun, I know now is not the time to say this, but please stop trying to be so strong. I wish you could be a little more vulnerable, show a little weakness. I will do everything in my power to keep you alive, even if..." He turned his face away, his voice choking with sobs, "Even if I truly cannot keep you, even if you really leave, I will lock my feelings for you deep in my heart and raise our son while taking care of you. A hundred years from now, I will come looking for you again, as long as you still want me..."

"Stop talking, please stop talking." I buried my face deeply against his chest. "I too wished for us to grow old together, but I am terrified I won't hold on, leaving you with nothing in the end. I am afraid of dragging you down. My death matters little; what terrifies me is the thought of you surviving me, enduring a life far more painful than mine. I always thought that if I quietly endured it all without letting you know, slipping away silently, even living your days in hatred toward me would be better than how it is now..."

Li Yexuan's lips pressed against mine, kissing me with extreme gentleness and profound depth. Unlike those brutal nights of the past, this time he swallowed all my tears within the kiss. Our breathing grew increasingly ragged, and I could hear the wild thumping of my own heart, desperate to leap out of my chest.

His body shifted over mine, yet he held back, restraining himself out of consideration for my frail condition. As he turned his head slightly, my arms hooked instinctively around his neck.

"Zijun..."

"You... be careful... the child..." I averted my gaze, too shy to meet his eyes.

The night stretched long, and he was endlessly tender. Five years ago, I had been trembling with fear, playing the passive part; five years later, we had clashed like sharpened swords, our encounters reduced to mere releases of pent-up fury. Only this single night truly felt like the blending of body and soul. He held me tightly in his arms, his tall and broad frame completely enveloping my petite figure. I drifted into a hazy slumber, resting safely within his embrace.

When I awoke, my body felt wonderfully refreshed, and my clothes had been changed—doubtless tended to by Li Yexuan. Just as I prepared to get out of bed, the door swung open. Li Yexuan walked in carrying a bowl of medicine, catching sight of me just in time to stop me from getting up.

"Stay right there and drink this medicine immediately."

"What is this?" Questioning him nonetheless, I picked up the bowl, gave it a skeptical sniff, surveyed it with absolute disgust, and finally began to sip.

"Well, because, yesterday... anyway, I had Yuelin prepare it... it's a contraceptive decoction..."

"Pfft—!"

I spat the mouthful of medicine straight out. Fortunately, Li Yexuan possessed fast reflexes, leaping back two steps just in time to escape a direct hit.

"You really are careless." Li Yexuan grabbed a handkerchief and wiped me down.

For a moment, I blushed so intensely I didn't know what to say, but noticing that Li Yexuan's expression seemed rather strange, his complexion looking somewhat...

"What happened to your left cheek? There's a bruised spot..."

"It's nothing."

"Tell me, come on, tell me." I tugged playfully at Li Yexuan's sleeve, swaying it back and forth as he stared at me with a look of utter shock.

"I thought you would never act spoiled in front of me again, just like when you were still Muran..."

My hand slowly dropped away, only for Li Yexuan to catch it firmly in his grasp.

"I didn't care much for those years," I said with a faint smile.

"Go back to rest. I'll be heading out with Qingyu and the others shortly. As for this bruise, Zijun hit me."

"What on earth happened?"

"I went to ask Kong Yuelin for the medicine, afraid that last night might somehow affect you and the child. Once he found out, he acted on impulse... Don't worry, I didn't fight back. It was my fault for not taking you and the child into consideration."

"What kind of nonsense is that?" I grabbed Li Yexuan as he turned to leave, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist. "He is my younger brother, so naturally I cherish him, and you are my husband and the father of my child—how could I not cherish you? If he did something wrong, it is entirely proper for you to help discipline him; if he does well, you are free to praise him a word or two. Isn't that how bonds are forged? Besides, this time he only did it out of concern for me."

He pulled me tightly into his embrace.

"Zijun, I love you."

I rested my head against Li Yexuan's chest.

The door was suddenly kicked open with a loud bang, giving me such a start that Zijun came barreling right in.

"Aha! So here you are, Older Sister! You get a husband and forget your younger brother, talking behind my back..."

"Get out..." Li Yexuan snatched the quilt and covered me entirely. At that moment, I was only wearing an inner garment without my outer robes; even with my own brother, matters of men and women required proper boundaries.

"Out it is, what's so rare about that? It's not like I haven't seen my older sister... Ah—!" With a flick of Li Yexuan's hand, Zijun was sent flying out through the doorway, and the door slammed shut with another loud bang.

"This brat!" Li Yexuan muttered in exasperation before fetching a fresh set of clothes to dress me.

"I can do it myself."

"Don't move, you're still unwell. Let me."

Very well, let you it is.

Once Li Yexuan finished dressing me, he went to reopen the door. Zijun trotted back in obediently, trailing a little maidservant carrying breakfast behind him.

"Have you eaten yet? Why don't you join us here?"

"Not yet."

Zijun pulled up a chair, and the three of us shared the morning meal.

"You're up and about so early, could there be some news?"

"Nothing major. Qingyu and Kong Yuelin said they spotted a suspicious location and went to investigate. They sent me to let you both know so we can prepare in advance!"

However, my gaze remained fixed on Zijun's hand.

"Why aren't you eating? What are you staring at me for?"

"Zijun, what's wrong with you!"

I grabbed Zijun's hand and pulled back the sleeve at his wrist.

"Oh no! My golden bell is still with the baby; I forgot to bring it back."

"We might not even need it."

"No, I remember now! The map's peculiar shape—doesn't it look precisely like four golden bells pieced together?" A sudden realization dawned upon me.

Dongfang Qingyu and Kong Yuelin walked in through the doorway, still discussing the matter as they approached.

"Li Yexuan, Zijun, Zijun—we searched all along the way and discovered a bizarre spot carved with markings like this deep in the mountains, but the path simply ended there."

Dongfang Qingyu produced a piece of paper, spreading it out before everyone's eyes.

"It looks somewhat similar to the birthmark on your arm, yet different," Li Yexuan murmured, resting his chin in his hand in deep thought.

"It's a golden bell." I held onto Zijun's hand, displaying the bell he wore for them to see.

"Yes, exactly this. We saw more along the way, but what I found were four of them, and all four were different," Kong Yuelin said with a solemn expression.

"But two of them are still with the baby, and I forgot to bring them along."

"Should we send someone to fetch them?" Li Yexuan looked toward Dongfang Qingyu, who nodded in agreement.

"No!" My rejection silenced them all as their eyes turned back to me. "Ling Yun Kingdom is protected by ancient vines and is relatively safe. Dispatch four members of the Twelve Assassins to bring the baby here."

"The child is still so young; are you certain you want him to join us in this danger?" Li Yexuan frowned deeply as he stared at me.

"He is young, yes, but he is my son, and sooner or later he must face these trials. I don't know why I feel such a persistent urge to have him here, but I just sense that the child is vital—as if there is an empty void within my heart that can only be filled once he arrives."

"Very well, I will send word immediately. However, it will take a few days for the baby to arrive."

"Good."

With a sudden turn, the teacup in my hand slipped and shattered onto the floor.

"What's wrong?" Li Yexuan rushed over to steady me.

"It's nothing, my hand just slipped, merely slipped. I'll leave the baby in your hands, I'm feeling a bit tired..."

"Take her to rest, we will handle the arrangements."

"Thank you."

Li Yexuan scooped me up horizontally into his arms, and I slowly drifted off to sleep...