150 Fear of Losing

With both resentment and grievances experienced, in the final moments before falling asleep, I would always look back upon my life and quietly comfort myself with the thought that perhaps it all amounted to nothing. Having walked through the gates of life and death several times across this lifetime, did I not fail to cross over completely? Perhaps there was still a turning point awaiting me. I knew not whether I was comforting myself or offering solace to those who held me dear.

After a long session of consultation, Gu Teng and Kong Yuelin arrived at a conclusion: while they could not yet alter my constitution, they could administer acupuncture to aid my meridians, and perhaps before long, I would be able to speak once more. It was only because I was carrying a child that heavy medication was out of the question.

Following yet another round of acupuncture, my body ached fiercely, drenched in a heavy sweat. Silently, Li Yexuan wiped me clean and changed me into fresh garments. Holding both my hands in his, he gazed down at me, every so often brushing away the stray locks of hair clinging to my forehead. Ever since his arrival, he had personally taken charge of my care, never delegating the task to anyone else.

"Yuelin says that if you rest well now, you will be able to speak in an hour's time. With daily treatments like this, your spirits will lift considerably, and the fainting spells will cease."

I nodded slightly and drifted off to sleep. When I awoke once more, I saw Li Yexuan still resting his head by my bedside.

"Xuan..."

"You called me! You called me! You can speak! Don't speak just yet, let me go find Yuelin, wait here."

My voice was somewhat hoarse and extremely faint, yet he had caught it. As delighted as a child, he hurried off to drag Kong Yuelin over.

Checking my pulse once more, Kong Yuelin also wore a look of joy. "Splendid. Her mood seems much better and has stabilized. She may be taken outside briefly to enjoy the sunshine, though walking is still strictly forbidden." Patting Li Yexuan on the shoulder, Kong Yuelin took his leave. We all knew well that Li Yexuan's arrival and his meticulous care had melted the chill deep within my heart.

"The sun looks pleasant today. Would you like to go outside?"

I nodded vigorously. Having spent so much time confined to the bed, I had indeed grown weary of it.

"Very well, I shall carry you out, but we must dress you up a bit first."

Li Yexuan retrieved a white dress and helped me change. His movements had grown quite practiced, yet he paused, troubled, as he looked at the cosmetics on the dressing table. Seeing his dilemma, I shook my head, signaling that I needed no adornments.

"My Ziyun is the most beautiful of all." Li Yexuan scooped me up into his arms, our hair fluttering and intertwining in the air.

Carrying me all the way to the back mountains, he had his attendants spread a thick blanket by the mountain spring before gently placing me upon it.

"Do you remember? Years ago, when we went to Maple Leaf City and drank from that mountain spring." Hearing his words, I snuggled closer into his embrace. "So many years have passed, yet I still remember how you looked back then—so pure and endearing. During the five years I had no news of you, the crushing affairs of state left me with little leisure, but whenever I had a moment, my thoughts always turned to you. I firmly believed you were alive somewhere in this world, yet I never imagined you would endure such suffering, all to preserve my child."

Li Yexuan held me tighter, my face resting against his chest while his hand clasped mine, placing it gently upon his knee.

"We already have Mufang, and I am deeply content. Yuelin says that because you are carrying a child, no strong medicine can be used. If not for the baby, we could try other methods; even if a cure were impossible, with Yuelin and Gu Teng's skills, they could surely have bought you more time to stay by my side..." Li Yexuan's words caused my entire body to stiffen abruptly.

"It is not that I dislike children—I love our child dearly. But if you can pull through this trial, we can always have another. If you cannot, we at least have Mufang, and I, Li Yexuan, will have no regrets in this life. Yet I cannot bear to watch you fade away little by little while I remain completely helpless. Ziyun, while the child is still small, let him go. Your body simply cannot bear this..."

"No..."

I yanked my hand from Li Yexuan's grasp, pulled myself away from his embrace, and slumped to the side.

"Ziyun, do not be like this..."

I began to resist the hand he reached out to me, but he pulled me firmly back into his arms by force.

"I want... the child... to stay... with us..." Rarely had I ever wept with such weakness before Li Yexuan, but tears fell freely now as one hand instinctively covered my abdomen.

"Forgive me, I was wrong. If you wish to keep the child, we shall keep him. We will find a way somehow. There, be a good girl, do not cry." He wiped the tears from my face, offering endless apologies.

"My wife, your husband has erred. But your husband happens to be quite skilled with the zither—would my wife care to listen, by way of apology?" The endearments of 'wife' and 'husband' left me torn between tears and laughter.

"Yes..."

Li Yexuan waved to the attendants in the distance, and a zither was brought forward.

"Lean against me."

I leaned back against his shoulder, watching as his fingers danced over the strings, the twenty-four playing techniques flowing in a continuous swirl as his nimble hands fluttered through the air.

The world knew Li Yexuan as a capable prince with brilliant strategies, one who could spin rival claimants to the throne around his finger, yet none knew of his mastery of the zither. I had once spotted a zither in his study, but had never been blessed with the chance to hear him play. The music drifted and echoed through the mountains, prompting flocks of birds to join in with their own melodic chirps.

Legend has it that I fell asleep amidst Li Yexuan's zither music, though my own recollection of it remains hazy. Afu told me later that Li Yexuan had panicked, sweeping me up in his arms and rushing back, only calming down when Kong Yuelin and Gu Teng verified that my breathing was merely faint rather than ceased entirely.

Before long, when I opened my eyes, the face that met mine was not Li Yexuan's, but Dongfang Qingyu's.

"You're awake. I'll have Afu prepare something to eat." Dongfang Qingyu gently propped me up.

"Do not speak yet. I know what you wish to ask. Word came from Tanghui Palace that they have located Li Yexuan and Kong Yuelin's master, but he refused to come easily, so the two of them went to invite him in person. Li Yexuan was worried about you, so he left me here to keep watch."

"Thank you for your trouble..." Given that I could barely speak, I kept my words concise, yet Dongfang Qingyu undoubtedly understood.

"I originally intended to snatch you away by any means necessary. But seeing how, even after Li Yexuan wronged you, you still devoted yourself to him like this, I realized this is true mortal devotion. In the face of life and death, such grievances matter little. My only hope now is that you will cherish those around you and allow yourself to linger a moment longer."

"I will..."

"Listen to me rambling on. Since they've gone to fetch that legendary master, you are bound to recover. Why hasn't that girl Afu returned yet? I'll go check..."

A faint shadow lingered outside the door, and I guessed it must be Afu hiding somewhere to wipe away her tears.

It was not until evening that Li Yexuan returned.

"His Reverence the Master says you must return to the Lingyun Kingdom for treatment. We shall depart immediately. Can your body withstand the journey?"

I nodded.

Li Yexuan added an extra layer of clothing to me, wrapped a thick cloak around my shoulders, and pulled the hood up, bundling me up tightly. Although the weather was not particularly cold, the evening winds were always sharp.

The carriage was already prepared, and the Four Envoys had been left behind at Fantian Pavilion, watching us depart from afar.

Crouched deep within the carriage, I drifted back to sleep in Li Yexuan's arms.

By the time we reached the Lingyun Kingdom, Zijun had come out personally to greet us.

Outside the outer gates, commoners and officials alike knelt in a vast sea. Zijun wore his imperial dragon robes, with Xu Xun by his side. Out of consideration for me, Zijun had merely issued an imperial edict naming Xu Xun as Empress, yet had never held the grand enthronement ceremony.

"Imperial Sister..."

"Imperial Sister..."

Unable to walk, I could only be carried out in Li Yexuan's arms.

"Let us return inside; she cannot speak."

Being welcomed personally by the Emperor and Empress was regarded as a supreme honor.

I shared a carriage with Li Yexuan, but before boarding, Li Yexuan called out.

"Qingyu."

"What is it?" Without a shred of politeness, Dongfang Qingyu boarded the carriage as well.

For a long time, silence hung within the carriage. I felt myself drifting toward sleep, remaining completely still. Though not truly asleep, I could still catch fragments of their conversation. In my memory, Li Yexuan and Dongfang Qingyu had never seen eye to eye, rarely exchanging words at all.

"Ziyun's health is failing. The child... I leave in your care."

"The little one calls me godfather; naturally, I will look after him well."

"Should anything happen to Ziyun, the child is yours."

"Li Yexuan, surely you don't mean to..."

"For so many years, she has walked alone. I will never let her walk alone again. Wherever she goes, I shall accompany her." I felt the gentle touch of Li Yexuan's lips grazing my forehead.

"You really are just like her. Back when she suffered through a difficult labor, she also entrusted the child to me. I told her then that one must raise one's own children, and if he were ever handed over to me, I would surely subject him to every cruelty."

"You wouldn't."

Neither Li Yexuan nor Dongfang Qingyu traded further barbs, yet my heart tightened with a sudden wave of dread and terror. While having him accompany me along this road was wonderful indeed, I could not bear the thought of him ruining his entire life for my sake.

Upon arriving at the imperial palace of the Lingyun Kingdom, I caught sight of my aunt and little Bao, who was staying close to her side.

"My child, you have returned."

"Mother..."

"Auntie... Bao..."

Li Yexuan crouched down so that my hand could reach out and clasp Bao's tiny fingers. Auntie stood to the side, wiping away her tears.

"There now, your mother is tired from the journey. Let us go inside first, shall we?"

"All right..." The tearful tremble in the child's voice threatened to shatter my remaining composure.

"Come, Godfather will carry you. It has been a long time since Godfather held you." Dongfang Qingyu scooped Bao into his arms, the boy burying his face against Dongfang Qingyu's shoulder as we walked behind them.

Inside the princess's quarters, I was laid gently upon a daybed.

"Xuan, the master should be arriving soon."

"I know. I am waiting."

I tugged gently at Li Yexuan's sleeve, then glanced toward Bao.

"Bao, come here."

Bao slipped down from Dongfang Qingyu's arms, was lifted onto the daybed by Li Yexuan, and buried himself in my embrace.

"Mother, I have missed you so much. Please, Mother, never leave Bao again..." The child's plea caused everyone in the room to silently retreat outdoors, while Gu Teng desperately urged Auntie to muffle her weeping.

"Be careful now; your mother's health is poor."

"I know, Father." A trace of lingering resentment toward Li Yexuan still colored the boy's tone.

"It matters not. You may call me Dad from now on." Li Yexuan pulled both Bao and me into his arms. Within that narrow space, a true home was finally formed.