145 Torture

In memory, waking up in the morning always meant Li Yexuan had left early, leaving behind only a cold blanket and a not-so-warm me. Yet I never expected that waking up this time would find me still cradled in his arms.

I vividly remember many years ago when we were being hunted and took refuge in a mountain cave. When I woke up, I was in Li Yexuan's arms, and I fled in fright. Only later did I realize that all those troubles back then had been orchestrated time and again by Yun Heng to manufacture opportunities for Li Yexuan and me. Li Yexuan had known it all along, playing along with the situation just to treat me like a fool, spinning me around in circles.

He seemed not to have woken up yet. I raised my head and looked at his face in deep sleep. He held me so tightly that I had no way to break free. In truth, I desperately wanted to ask: Li Yexuan, how many women have you held in your arms as you fell asleep?

I thought that if I didn't think about it, didn't look at it, I wouldn't care. But perhaps I could only pretend not to care.

Li Yexuan opened his eyes, and I slipped out of his embrace.

"Why not sleep a little longer?"

"My Lord, please sleep some more. Your concubine is going to check on our son." I finished dressing and fled the study like I was escaping, heading straight for Qingran Residence.

The moment I stepped into Qingran Residence, Li Yexuan followed right behind me.

"Why are you here?"

"To eat with my son."

"..."

When the baby saw Li Yexuan again, he called out "Father" and immediately hid behind my back.

"Shall we have breakfast now?" I gently pulled his little hand.

The baby nodded, and Li Yexuan instructed the servants to prepare the meal. However, the child was noticeably much more distant from him.

For several consecutive days, Li Yexuan came to Qingran Residence to dine, and the baby came every day as well. Yet when evening arrived, Li Yexuan would carry him off to the Heir's bedchamber, while he himself stayed behind to hold me through the night, doing nothing at all. Initially, the baby had grown somewhat quiet, but Li Yexuan had Shimo and Shiyan collect quite a few small trinkets and personally guided his studies, so the father-and-son relationship gradually grew closer and far better than before.

From someone who rarely went out, I stopped leaving Qingran Residence altogether.

In the dead of night, I sat at the edge of the bed, doing needlework. A commotion sounded outside the door—it was Li Yexuan returning.

"Why are you back so late today? The baby has already eaten and gone to sleep. Have you eaten?"

"I ate at the imperial palace."

I called Zi'er to clear away the uneaten food and handed Li Yexuan a cup of tea.

His gaze fell upon the needlework beside my bed, and displeasure flickered across his face. "Why are you working on this again? You've been stitching endlessly these past few days; anyone who didn't know would think I married a seamstress."

"It's not for you; it's for our son." I smiled as I put the items away, though my heart ached with profound sorrow. If I do not make them, you will have nothing to wear in the days to come.

Later in the night, I lay beneath the covers, my back turned to Li Yexuan. His earlier words echoed in my mind, and I could not stop my tears from falling.

"What is wrong?" My body was pulled toward him, instantly locked in his embrace.

Seeing that I did not speak, he turned me around to face him.

"I missed my aunt, I missed my younger brother, I missed home." I could only offer a haphazard excuse to stall.

"You are no longer a child. If you cry like this, you truly bear no resemblance to the Mufan of years past."

"I..."

His lips descended upon mine, and I began to respond to him. We were familiar with every inch of each other. Ever since I was injured, he had never touched me like this again.

"Do not be afraid..."

"Mm..." Any further words melted into a lingering, tender spring scene.

I was awakened by his kisses.

"Don't you need to attend court..." I hurriedly pushed against Li Yexuan's chest with both hands and turned my face away.

"Li Zheng can handle things alone by now."

"Sigh... You... stop..."

Another round of turbulence followed. When I opened my eyes, the space beside me was empty, and I assumed Li Yexuan had already left.

I called Zi'er inside, tidied everything away, and then sent her out.

I retrieved the medicine bottle from the box, walked to the outer room, and swallowed a pill with water. Before I could even put down the teacup, Li Yexuan entered, followed closely by Kong Yuelin.

Startled, my hand knocked the teacup against the jade vial, and both plummeted to the floor, shattering into pieces. Shards of the cup and fragments of the bottle scattered everywhere, while the remaining pills rolled across the floor.

Kong Yuelin bent down, picked up one of the pills, sniffed it, and examined it closely.

"Speak," Li Yexuan said, his voice turning frigid as he addressed Kong Yuelin.

"Contraceptive pills."

Li Yexuan picked up another teacup from the table and smashed it against the floor.

"I am leaving. Do not go too far." Kong Yuelin patted Li Yexuan's shoulder, cast a glance of resignation my way, and walked out, taking the precaution of dismissing everyone in Qingran Residence. He knew Li Yexuan was truly furious; within a radius of a hundred miles, the addition of another life would mean only an extra layer of danger.

"Explain."

I thought Li Yexuan would fly into a rage, yet he was demanding an explanation.

"There is nothing to explain."

"Explain."

"There is nothing."

"Huangfu Ziyun!" His voice suddenly escalated, startling me so much that I stumbled backward three steps. My foot caught, and both my hands plunged directly into the glass shards on the floor. Ignoring my plight as if he saw nothing, Li Yexuan hauled me up and slung me over his shoulder.

"Li Yexuan, put me down! Let me go!"

My body was thrown heavily onto the bed. His gaze reminded me of that fateful night when the Lingyun Kingdom was conquered. Completely disregarding whether I could bear it, he was consumed entirely by a raging fury.

With a sharp rip, the clothes I had just put on were torn apart. He pressed down upon me, biting me without a word of explanation, tearing a path downward that left a trail of crimson marks.

"No..."

"Li Yexuan, you promised you would never be like this." I flailed my hands desperately, only to have them gripped tightly and pinned high above my head.

"You do not deserve it!" Those three words left me frozen in place, utterly at the mercy of his demands.

The tears at that moment refused to fall any longer. I closed my eyes and refused to look.

"Open your eyes!" My throat was seized in a death grip. "Huangfu Ziyun, I want you to watch. I want you to remember this forever."

"You will regret this." In the end, I never opened my eyes, and his grip grew increasingly tight.

He ultimately did not strangle me to death, nor did he release me. Less than half an hour ago, he had been gentle beside me; now, he was acting like a demon.

"The Eldest Princess of Lingyun Kingdom, the foremost beauty—you are nothing much after all."

Leaving those words behind, Li Yexuan departed. At that moment, I could no longer hold back, and tears burst from my eyes.

Looking at the bruises covering my body, I forced myself to get up to find an intact garment, but clumsily tumbled off the bed, just like that year I fled from Li Yexuan, helpless and isolated in the mountains. Why had I never learned to remember a lesson? The scar on my chest where he had stabbed me back then was still there; why was I incapable of guarding against him?

Hearing the sound of someone entering, I hurriedly wrapped my broken clothes around my body.

"My Lady..." Zi'er gasped in shock and ran to my side.

"Do not shout." The moment the words left my mouth, I realized my voice was hoarse and weak.

"Was it the Prince? How could he do such a thing?" Zi'er's tears fell like a broken string of beads.

"Help me up."

Zi'er clumsily supported me, but I had no strength left, and the two of us collapsed together onto the bed.

"My Lady, what should we do? What should Zi'er do?" Panicked and weeping, she pulled the quilt over me.

"Do not panic. Go fetch a set of clothes for me to change into, and then tell someone to bring water. Say that I am feeling unwell today and will not see anyone, including the Heir. Do not tell anyone else."

"This maid will go right now."

Zi'er wiped her tears and hurried to carry out my instructions. I originally wanted to ask Zi'er to buy me a dose of contraceptive herbs, but upon reflection, if Li Yexuan discovered it, she would surely not survive. I figured that since it had only happened once, nothing should come of it.

I had never liked having maids wait on me hand and foot, but this time I had no choice. Once I was able to bathe, having recovered a fraction of my strength, Zi'er helped me into the wooden tub and gently washed my body.

"How can the Prince be so cruel..." Zi'er's tears fell anew.

I looked down at my own body, patched in blue and purple; indeed, it was not a pretty sight.

"Stop crying. Finish washing quickly so I can go to sleep."

"Yes, yes."

Zi'er helped me back onto the bedchamber mattress.

"Remember, tell no one, and let no one in. If it is someone you cannot stop, then let it be."

"Yes."

When I fell asleep this time, I did not wake until dusk the following day. Zi'er, who had been guarding my bedside, had fallen asleep leaning against the mattress.

"My Lady, you're awake! You scared this maid to death..." She clutched my hand, trembling slightly.

"I am fine. You did very well. Help me up."

"Yes."

"Did anyone come?"

"No. Everyone knows you dislike seeing people ordinarily, so Zi'er turned them all away. The Heir came several times, but this maid made up excuses to send him off."

"And the Prince?"

Zi'er's hand froze as she dressed me.

"Speak. What is there that cannot be faced?"

"I heard the Prince was with Lady Shen yesterday, and went to her early today as well. My Lady... please do not be sad."

"It does not matter. I did not wish for him to come again anyway."

"Since My Lady has slept for so long, you must be hungry. This maid will fetch some food."

"Very well." I nodded, watching Zi'er scurry out of the room.

Zi'er's appearance reminded me of someone: Wanchun. Word had it that three years ago, Yun Heng had taken her as a concubine, so she could be considered to have achieved her wish. Yet Qiao Ruoqing was a schemer; I feared even Lanxin would be no match for her, and I wondered how Wanchun was faring now.

It seemed so ludicrous that I would still think of people from the past. Perhaps my time was running short; I could no longer muster any hatred. In the past, I could hate the Murong clan, but once the entire clan was executed, it was as if my hatred had lost its anchor, leaving me somewhat idle. My mind would invariably wander to all sorts of chaotic matters from the past and people I had almost forgotten.

Looking at myself in such a pathetic state, I suddenly felt that keeping the child by my side was pointless. I could not protect him, and Li Yexuan would likely vent his resentment toward me upon the child.