Being Selfish Just Once

After choosing an auspicious date, Huangfu Zijun ascended the throne as emperor. With celebrations throughout the realm and a universal amnesty declared, everything in our Huangfu family could finally be considered complete and fulfilled.

Ren An was heavily favored by Zijun and appointed as a Grand Academician. Ren An's wife, Yuan Wanyu, would frequently bring their eldest son along. Though slightly younger than Bao'bao, the two children got along remarkably well. While many people speculated about Bao'bao's true identity, Zijun's formidable methods were well known, and consequently, no one dared to pry too closely.

Meanwhile, I came down with a high fever that raged for three full days. When I finally regained consciousness, Aunt was keeping watch by my bedside.

"Aunt..." For a fleeting moment, I felt a deep sense of unfilial guilt for having caused her to stay up guarding me.

"You're awake. I just told Zijun to go get some rest. I've asked your cousin to come take a look. My child, why did you feel the need to keep this a secret from everyone?"

"I'm sorry, Aunt."

"Silly child, don't worry. Aside from A-Fu and me, no one else knows."

Aunt's eyes were red-rimmed. Gu Teng stepped forward once more to check my pulse.

"Actually, this is a normal reaction to the medicine you took. Perhaps you've simply been too exhausted lately. It's nothing to worry about."

"Mm."

Of the three months, only two remained.

"How are matters at court these days?" Although I no longer meddled in state affairs, I still couldn't help asking about them from time to time.

"All is well, all is well." A flash of strange emotion crossed Gu Teng's eyes.

"Good, as long as all is well. Aunt and Cousin, please go and get some rest. I am quite fine now."

"Send someone if you need anything."

"I will."

Gu Teng escorted Aunt away until their figures faded into the distance.

"A-Fu, bring me a set of garments. I'm going out."

"Your Highness..."

"Do as I say."

A-Fu quickly fetched a set of court robes, dressed me, simply pinned up my hair, and accompanied me outside.

Before we even approached the Imperial Study, I heard the roar of Zijun's furious voice. The two guards stationed at the entrance recognized me immediately and were about to speak, but I silenced them with a gesture.

"Must my imperial sister really be sacrificed?!" Zijun's voice was pitched high. I instinctively retreated three steps before hurriedly turning toward the Imperial Garden.

Once we were in a secluded spot, I had A-Fu summon Zhuque.

"Your Grace."

"What has happened over the past three days? Tell me the truth."

"This..."

"Zhuque, I am still your master. Do not overstep your bounds."

"Yes. The Regent of the Yuehua Kingdom has personally led an army of fifty thousand to pressure our borders. Word has come from him..."

"What did he say?"

"He said he would come within three days to welcome back the Princess and the young master..."

"What day is it today?"

"The second day."

"Go to the Imperial Study and tell my younger brother to come here at once."

"Yes."

Zhuque left, and Zijun arrived shortly afterward, utilizing his qinggong with such speed that I barely caught sight of him.

"Imperial Sister, you're awake! Do you feel any discomfort anywhere?" He looked me over with anxious concern.

"Younger Brother, in this life I have not failed you, nor have I failed the Lingyun Kingdom, nor our late Emperor and Empress, nor anyone in the Fantian Pavilion. The only ones I have failed are Mufeng and his father. So, issue the imperial decree."

"Imperial Sister, have you heard something? I can protect the Lingyun Kingdom."

"Of course I believe you can protect the Lingyun Kingdom. But I genuinely wish to marry him. I've already borne him a son, how could I not marry him?"

"I'm sorry, Imperial Sister."

"In truth, although I never spoke of it all these years, you've always known, haven't you?"

"Do you love him?"

"I love him." Perhaps in the presence of my own younger brother, I could confess it without concealment. No matter how outrageous his actions might be, I still loved him.

"Very well, I will have arrangements made."

"Send word to him: tomorrow, I will wait for him beneath the tree. He will understand."

"Mm."

The next day, I rose early, donned a purple gauze dress, styled my hair, and adorned it with a few ornaments. Declining A-Fu's company, I walked alone toward that familiar place.

Beneath the cherry blossom tree, he stood with his back to me. A blossom drifted down, clinging to his hair ribbon.

He must have known I had arrived, yet he did not turn around. I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"I'm here."

He stiffened before turning slowly to face me.

"What, don't you recognize me?" I stood on tiptoe and pressed a kiss to his lips. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me beneath the cherry blossom tree. After a long moment, he finally released me.

"Did you know? Beneath this tree are two jars of plum wine I buried in my childhood. I never dared let my younger brother find out, otherwise he certainly would have taken them." Smiling, I took Li Yexuan's hand and led him to the base of the tree.

"Shall we dig them up and use them as wedding wine?"

"Huangfu Ziyun." My wrist was seized in a tight grip.

"What is it?"

"When did you become like this? Would you truly abandon everything for the sake of the Lingyun Kingdom and come away with me?"

"What choice do I have? Aren't you powerful enough!"

"Fine. I will marry you and bring you through my doors. But understand this: I am marrying you solely so that our child may enter the Prince's estate with a legitimate status. Do not expect anything more. Stop putting on this pure and innocent act—you don't deserve it."

He flung my hand away. I collapsed to the ground, and he walked off without once looking back.

Li Yexuan, why is it that we always miss the time when we are most willing to understand one another? Could I not tell you that I genuinely wished to marry you?

No one answered me.

For all these years, Li Yexuan had never remained by my side. I had endured countless tears, but at his words—"You don't deserve it"—my entire world shattered completely. Staggering to my feet, I walked back toward the imperial palace, the color drained entirely from my eyes.

Driven by Zijun's insistence, an imperial decree was proclaimed across the realm: ten days hence, the Grand Eldest Princess of the Lingyun Kingdom would marry Li Yexuan, the Regent of the Yuehua Kingdom. At the same time, the child's true identity was made public as Li Yexuan's eldest son, Li Mufeng.

The Yuehua Kingdom quietly withdrew its troops, and Li Yexuan temporarily returned to his homeland. I entrusted all the wedding preparations entirely to Aunt and my younger brother.

One afternoon, Zhuque brought someone to see me, and I granted her a private audience.

"Greetings, Pavilion Master." Xu Xun showed no excessive shock upon seeing me; her demeanor remained poised and proper.

"Rise and take a seat."

Xu Xun seated herself without any awkward pretension.

"You are a clever girl. Zhuque must have already told you my identity, so you likely know the identity of that person as well."

She nodded.

"His status dictates that there may well be more than one woman in his life. If you cannot accept this, so be it—the Fantian Pavilion will not treat you poorly. But if you choose to accept it, you must consider carefully: once you cross the palace gates, the depths are as unfathomable as the sea." I advised Xu Xun, believing she should make her own decision regarding her marriage.

"Yet, since my heart is already within these palace walls, naturally I wish to enter them, even if it is only to accompany him for a fleeting moment."

Hearing Xu Xun's reply, I smiled. It seemed my younger brother was truly blessed.

"Well? Are you going to keep hiding out there?"

From the ceiling, Zijun dropped down gracefully and pulled Xu Xun into his arms.

"Very well. From now on, you must never mistreat Xu Xun."

"Naturally. She will be the Empress I cherish above all others."

"As long as the two of you love each other, take her away."

"Thank you, Imperial Sister."

Watching Zijun lead Xu Xun away hand in hand, I knew the path they would walk together still stretched far into the distance.

"A-Fu, A-Ling."

"This servant is here."

"When I am married to the Yuehua Kingdom, the two of you will remain behind in the Lingyun."

Both of them immediately dropped to their knees.

"Your Highness, I have followed you since childhood, I am not willing to be separated from you."

"Your Highness, neither is A-Ling."

I pondered for a moment, but ultimately unable to withstand their persistence, I nodded and agreed.

"Mother..." Bao'bao's voice rang out from outside the door.

"Come in."

"Mother, look! Little Uncle brought this, he said Godfather is coming!" Bao'bao came running in clutching a letter.

"Let Mother see."

I took the letter and saw Dongfang Qingyu's familiar handwriting confirming he would arrive within three days.

"Does Bao'bao miss Godfather?"

"Yes."

I pulled out a handkerchief to wipe the sweat from Bao'bao's forehead, while casually taking the stuffed milk-dog toy from his hand, wondering how much longer the toy would survive being dragged along this journey.

"Mother is going to marry Daddy, and afterwards we will all live together. Won't that be wonderful?"

"Is Mother going too?"

"Yes, together."

"Then Bao'bao is willing to forgive Daddy. Our whole family will be together." The child's mention of a "family" struck a devastating blow to my heart once more.

"Take A-Ling to get something for the milk-dog to eat."

"Bao'bao is going too!"

A-Ling scooped up the puppy and led Bao'bao out by the hand.

"Your Highness, why must you wrong yourself so?" A-Fu looked at me, tears streaming down her face.

"Hush your tears, and don't let A-Ling find out either. What wrong is there? I was always his person to begin with. If I have any lingering regret at all, it is simply that I never truly had a proper wedding with him."

A-Fu dropped to her knees and began to sob openly before me.

"If you don't stop crying right now, I won't let you come with me."

A-Fu hastily wiped away her tears with her sleeve, and I waved a hand for her to withdraw.

Dongfang Qingyu arrived a day earlier than scheduled, rushing straight to my chambers.

"Why did you arrive so quickly? Have the hundred thousand troops been properly settled?"

"Rest assured, I only came after everything was arranged."

I poured a cup of tea for Dongfang Qingyu, and he swallowed it down in a single gulp.

"Ziyun, if you truly do not wish to agree to this, I have ways to stop it."

"I wish to be selfish for once, too."

"Very well, I understand. But the moment he treats you poorly, Zijun and I will spare no cost to bring you back."

"Don't worry, he is the father of my child. What could he possibly do to me?"

I firmly told everyone who tried to persuade me that I was willing of my own accord to marry Li Yexuan. Yet I could not deceive my own heart. I had thought that until the day I died I would have no further entanglements with Li Yexuan, but I never imagined that even until my death, I would remain unable to escape him.

The wedding day drew closer with each passing day, and Dongfang Qingyu simply remained behind, claiming he wanted to stay for the wedding wine—an invitation I was more than happy to extend.

Gu Teng sent me a small bottle of pills.

"Are you certain you want this? Even though this minimizes the damage to your body, your current condition is still far from optimistic."

I accepted the bottle.

"I am fine. Just keep it ready."

Gu Teng said nothing further, merely reiterating his warning to take them sparingly.